Thursday, February 11, 2010

ok, who cut cheese? me or that furry creature over there?

My family is very comfortable with the subject of farting and taking shits. Our dinner table conversations always start off well with debates about politics, religion, animal welfare, even philosophy!! We like to think that we're a well-read and enlightened bunch. Once we're done feeling how super and awesomely correct we are or after one of us gets a full tummy, things begin to deteriorate rapidly. We'll start talking about stomach problems, gas, poop and everything associated with poop, and, this is creepy, ways to get away with murdering people we hate. how to murder animal haters basically.. Then because we all have really high metabolisms, its guaranteed that one of us will have to take a crap IMMEDIATELY after dinner. Then there's no "excuse me, i've got to use the little girls room".. its always "oh i need to take a dump" or "omg i need to shit so bad i think i'm turtling.." and the very politically incorrect "i've got to drop some bombs over hiroshima".. i can go on all day..

after the deed is done, there is always a report on what a huge relief it was.. sometimes followed by a description of its other qualities. we're very classy people. LOL. good thing i don't have my name on this blog, coz my mum would just kill me if she read this post. oh i must point out, that if we have company, we do try not to go overboard talking too much about our bowel movements.. an occasional reminder is appreciated though. many a dinner guest has found us very odd indeed.

anyway, i've been reading Life With Dogs super hilarious posts about dog farts and they got me thinking.. what's the fart etiquette like with me and my fur family? Do we all have the same open "everybody shits so why be bothered by it" attitude? megan fox shits.. robert pattinson shits.. hell, everyone i think is hot shits and farts. its nothing to be ashamed of. so i've always assumed that my darling dogs, tony, spike, and practically permanent foster dog molly, felt the same way...

oh boy have i been wrong about that. they are not ok with it at all. i just realized that there is an elaborate fart-hiding plot afoot at my home and all the deceitful little monsters are in on it. worse still, i am the unsuspecting dumbass scapegoat in their nasty little conspiracy.

i don't get to blame farts on my dogs... they blame farts on ME. no they don't do it verbally of course.. they're a lot sneakier than that. their betrayal and blame is much more subtle.. its all in the direction of their cold, wet noses.. below, a couple of examples of how they blame all farts on me:

INCIDENT #1 - Perp: Spike, Spootie, Spootata, Spotato, or should i say Mr Sneaky Fart-Pants?
It was a quiet, cool night and we were sitting together on the bench in the yard. Just the two of us contentedly enjoying each others presence.. It was a rare moment without all the other pets around. I felt such inner peace. Little did i know that my beloved pooch was about to betray me. As we looked out into the darkness i suddenly heard a soft, drawn-out cushioned hiss. A foul stench as if someone had eaten cheese, pickles, boiled cabbage, rotten eggs, onions, AND the remains of a decomposing skunk blasted all breathable air out of the atmosphere. I looked at Spike, horrified yet strangely impressed that such a short dog could produce such a potent biological weapon out of his ass. he looked at me accusingly. I said "what are you looking at? that didn't come from my butt" but his facial expression (fake! he's a bad actor) as he sniffed me clearly said "DAMN GIRL! LAY OFF THE FRIJOLES!"
You see? He tried to frame me!! Why else would he sniff me after HE farted? After sniffing me, he turned and sniffed his own butt for authenticity (he's quite flexible.. long body!) then he sniffed me again.. as if to show any onlookers that he had been kind enough to check himself but had again come to the conclusion that i was the source of the fart.

INCIDENT #2 to infinity - Perp: Molly Sue, Little Miss Gassy-not-Classy.
Here's a little something that happens almost every night as we sit on the couch together watching tv. A toxic breeze will flow through the room.. It will carry hints of meat decomposition, really old cheese, cauliflower, and curry. Is it me or is it molly? truth be told, it could be either of us, though usually her.. we would've both already had dinner.. the thing is, no matter who farted, molly will ALWAYS sniff my butt first. what the hell? can't she feel the farts come out of her ass? and when it IS her, why on earth is she sniffing me??? the fart smell always attracts Maddie who is usually lying down on the floor at the couch.. she'll get up and then guess what she does? she'll sniff MY butt too!!

Molly and Spike discuss how to embarrass me.

oh wow this is a really long post and its just about fart. told you i can really go on about it..

so far tony montana has NEVER betrayed me this way. he is truly a loyal little pooch. he territorially pisses on everything, but at least he doesn't try to blame me for that.
"Keep bringing on the giant meat treats and i'll always be on your side."

as for the cats.. only one of them has ever had gas and of course its fatfat. not his fault though. we went to college together after all.. we ate all kinds of junk. i hardly ate anything with any nutritional value. same goes for fatfat.. the poor thing spent his kittenhood eating really cheapo cat kibble, cheese, scrambled eggs, ice cream, campbell soup, and if he was lucky, tuna spread. so yes, he had gas. he farted a lot. really bad farts.. the type that linger.. i think i must've had the same type of farts since we had the same diet. we reveled in our grossness together. no fingers or paws were ever pointed at one another. i miss college with my kitty. he doesn't fart anymore.

*BURP* oh excuse meeeee
dammit, does this outfit make me look fat?
ughhh i feel bloated...


Kari in WeHo said...

it is always the furry creature

Josie said...

I don't think I have LOL'd that hard in a long time. The whole way you wrote that and told the story was hilarious! The world needs more people like you. People who care and love animals and who want to kick the asses of people who hurt them. I love you! Much LOVE. Woof soon.

havetailwillwag said...

fart's always funny isn't it? i hope no super hot guys read this post and find out that i'm disgusting..

Everycat said...

This post had us all laughing! Farts and poo are a wonderful subject and a great leveller. When we come across someone who is totally up themselves and reeking of superiority, we just think of them sitting on the toilet taking a huge stinky dump. Works a treat :D