Thursday, December 2, 2010

the memories, they hurt

omg.. i still miss molly so much. i cry at least once a week over her. the guilt is eating me up inside. i wish i could take back everything and start over with her. my memories of her hurt me deeply, even the happy ones, especially the happy ones. my silly little tripod pooch. she brought so much joy to my life. what made me think i could possibly live without her and she without me? we were two peas in a pod. a human-canine pair of kindred spirits. she really was man's best friend, but i wasn't hers.. i totally let her down. i didn't work hard enough for her. i gave up on her but she would never have given up on me. i am a shitty fosterer. the worst. i don't deserve the role.

i remember how scared she was when she first became my foster pup.. she wouldn't even move or eat or make a sound.. her pain, fear, and suffering were still so great. she knew nothing but cruelty from humans and she expected that from me as well. i remember when she started to realize that i wouldn't hurt her and slowly, very slowly, she became happy. of course, in the end i did hurt her and let her down just like everyone else did. that is what kills me. i was supposed to be the one person that would never ever give her any grief. i should never have tried to find her a permanent home, she was already home with me wasn't she. too late now. i should've known she would never be able to cope with new people.

i miss her doggy smell which was different from other dogs, really! i miss our howling at each other, her sneeze fits, how she obsessively cleaned her stump, the way she trimmed the toenails on her remaining three feet by gnawing at them (i never even had to clip them!), i miss watching her play catch by herself - she would toss her own toys into the air and chase after them happily.. i miss her obsession with the cats and her friendship with spike. i miss watching her run up and down the stairs at top speed despite missing a leg.. i miss how she greeted me every morning and evening, so happily.. she would stand up on her one hind leg to bat me with her front paws, her tail wagging madly the entire time. i miss how much she loved human beds. she'd jump onto the bed and roll around in ecstasy rubbing her back on the sheets and burrowing her head among the covers, snuffling and barking joyfully. she loved pillows too. i miss how after i taught her how to shake paws, she'd hold out a paw and try to shake my hand before i even asked her to - if i was eating something. she was so smart and knew that a trick well done would result in a treat! i miss watching her and conan curl up together in their favorite spot in their room and sleep. i miss watching her try to carry him around in her mouth even after he grew too big for her to do that. i miss hanging out with her on the couch, my arm around my little pooch, my head on her side. sometimes we looked deep into each others eyes and i could see the pain and fear of her childhood. i miss just knowing she was there at home with me, a little creature that adored me and that i adored.

i don't know if i will ever foster a dog again. i can't go through this again. rest in peace molly. you are so loved and always will be. there is no replacement for you.


Keiko said...

We've been wondering how you are... Please remember the work that you do is so special and we know it meant a lot to sweet Molly. I am just so so sorry to hear that she is gone and that I couldn't arrive in Malaysia sooner to try to help. Please don't beat yourself up about Molly. I'm sure she has become a special angel in the sky who will always look out for you.
Take care,
Lots of purrs and hugs
Keiko, Kenji, Pricilla & Yuji
& Mum Misa

meowmeowmans said...

We've been thinking about you, too. We are incredibly sorry to hear that Molly is gone. It's always been clear you had a special connection with her, and we can't even begin to imagine your grief. Having said that, however, please know that you did so much for Molly, who would have NEVER even known happiness or love without you.

Maybe you can take some time off to let your heart and soul heal a bit, and then reconsider? We hope you'll decide not to give it up ... you do so much good. You are a truly special person with a huge heart, and we are thankful for you.

Purrs, prayers and hugs,

Kevin, Tracey, Sammy, Moose and Maggie (and all the cats at PAWS)
Animal Shelter Volunteer Life

Kristine said...

I am so sorry to hear about Molly. No doubt you are missing her. She sounds like a very special dog. Thank you for sharing your memories of her. The photo of her with Conan is beautiful. There is nothing anyone can say that will help or make you feel any better, but know that there are many people out there who know exactly how you feel.

Take some time. You're allowed, you deserve it. I will be thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

I don't know how Molly died, but I do know she was fortunate in that she was able to experience love before she left this at times, cruel world. You gave her that-never undermine what you gave her-it was real and invaluable.And for you, I would quote that famous poet who once said,"Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all".Keep loving, keep your heart open to loving all those animals who need you, who will need you.You deserve to keep doing what you do so well as much as they deserve to have someone as special as you helping them in their vulnerable lives.

Anonymous said...

Hi there,

Only time can heal pain,sometimes is easier said than done.. but I sincerely hope that you will be fine soon. I truly hope so..

Take care.

havetailwillwag said...

thanks everyone for all your kind words. so sweet of you.

~Covert_Operations'78~ said...

I am so, so sorry about your loss. Molly knew you loved her and would not have given her up for adoption if you didn't have to move house. Everything just went haywire at the same time and you made the best decision possible -- to rehome her with loving new people who have rooms in their hearts and home for a dog, in a home which isn't so far away that you couldn't visit her often. It looked to all of us -- Molly and her new parents included too -- that everything was working out for the best. But it didn't. And it wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. You haven't been irresponsible in the slightest way. You have done more than most people would have. You put her first, despite your own sorrow and trouble. Molly knows that. Molly knows how much you love her.

Bobby said...