the memories, they hurt

omg.. i still miss molly so much. i cry at least once a week over her. the guilt is eating me up inside. i wish i could take back everything and start over with her. my memories of her hurt me deeply, even the happy ones, especially the happy ones. my silly little tripod pooch. she brought so much joy to my life. what made me think i could possibly live without her and she without me? we were two peas in a pod. a human-canine pair of kindred spirits. she really was man's best friend, but i wasn't hers.. i totally let her down. i didn't work hard enough for her. i gave up on her but she would never have given up on me. i am a shitty fosterer. the worst. i don't deserve the role.

i remember how scared she was when she first became my foster pup.. she wouldn't even move or eat or make a sound.. her pain, fear, and suffering were still so great. she knew nothing but cruelty from humans and she expected that from me as well. i remember when she started to realize that i wouldn't hurt her and slowly, very slowly, she became happy. of course, in the end i did hurt her and let her down just like everyone else did. that is what kills me. i was supposed to be the one person that would never ever give her any grief. i should never have tried to find her a permanent home, she was already home with me wasn't she. too late now. i should've known she would never be able to cope with new people.

i miss her doggy smell which was different from other dogs, really! i miss our howling at each other, her sneeze fits, how she obsessively cleaned her stump, the way she trimmed the toenails on her remaining three feet by gnawing at them (i never even had to clip them!), i miss watching her play catch by herself - she would toss her own toys into the air and chase after them happily.. i miss her obsession with the cats and her friendship with spike. i miss watching her run up and down the stairs at top speed despite missing a leg.. i miss how she greeted me every morning and evening, so happily.. she would stand up on her one hind leg to bat me with her front paws, her tail wagging madly the entire time. i miss how much she loved human beds. she'd jump onto the bed and roll around in ecstasy rubbing her back on the sheets and burrowing her head among the covers, snuffling and barking joyfully. she loved pillows too. i miss how after i taught her how to shake paws, she'd hold out a paw and try to shake my hand before i even asked her to - if i was eating something. she was so smart and knew that a trick well done would result in a treat! i miss watching her and conan curl up together in their favorite spot in their room and sleep. i miss watching her try to carry him around in her mouth even after he grew too big for her to do that. i miss hanging out with her on the couch, my arm around my little pooch, my head on her side. sometimes we looked deep into each others eyes and i could see the pain and fear of her childhood. i miss just knowing she was there at home with me, a little creature that adored me and that i adored.

i don't know if i will ever foster a dog again. i can't go through this again. rest in peace molly. you are so loved and always will be. there is no replacement for you.