and they all fall down..

horrible horrible week in my animal kingdom. my dog tony montana was terribly ill with tick fever. he had to have a blood transfusion, he was that sick. Dr L was not sure of his chances of survival. his dad and i were worried sick. good news is the transfusion helped lots and he has started eating a little and wagging his tail. please pray for his full and quick recovery. the last time i posted, miney had passed away and meanie was on his way out. well, meanie was gone the next day. eenie followed a few days later at his fosterer's home and moe passed away yesterday afternoon. that's the entire litter gone and for no reason that we can figure out. they just faded off one by one. strong one minute, weak the next, then gone. i don't have much to say except that we tried our hardest, did everything in our power to do. i don't know what else we could have done for them. i suppose we could've looked for a nursing mother cat but its not like nursing cats show up on my fucking doorstep during times of need. i just hope i am never asked to hand-rear kittens so fucking young ever again. if their eyes are not open yet, if there are little bits of umbilical cord attached, i am NOT going to be able to save them. they are going to die. fuck fuck fuck shit bloody hell goddammit crap and fuck. that's how i feel right now. i am angry, discouraged, disheartened, disappointed, and sad.

rest in peace eenie, meanie, miney, and moe. i hope you're having a great time together in cat heaven. eyes open, legs not wobbly, teeth grown, enjoying the smelliest, fishiest wet food ever. so sorry i failed all of you. i wish you could've seen the world. i was so looking forward to seeing your eyes and feeding you real food. you would've loved it.

Eenie, Meanie, Miney & Moe - Update

i couldn't handle taking care of all four of the little screamers at once. i'm a lightweight.. i was freaking out. every feeding session was so chaotic. my hands would shake as i handled each tiny fragile body and tried to get formula into them. they were all so fussy in the beginning, squirming constantly in my hands, turning their faces away from the syringe, rejecting the formula, and screaming bloody murder the whole time. i was overwhelmed and so scared that i was not giving each one enough care. as i struggled to feed one kitten, the other hungry three would be crying their hearts out. i only have two hands..

i asked my dear friend NT to help me take on two of them and luckily for me she said yes. NT works with the animal shelter. She loves animals and also has some experience with handrearing so last thursday night i handed over eenie and miney to her. i kept meanie and moe. i thought that we would have a better chance of success with two babies each because we then we could give each one more individual attention. i know that they can just fade away sometimes no matter how hard we try and even when we seem to be doing all the right things. its so disheartening and i always try not to get my hopes up but i do anyway and then i end up disappointed and totally bummed out.

i have some bad news. miney started fading yesterday morning and passed away in the afternoon. we don't know why. he was totally fine the night before. i don't understand how they go from being robust and noisy and energetic for days and then suddenly they go cold and limp and won't swallow their milk. once this happens they rapidly deteriorate and its over. why why why why???? despite all the feedings, making them go potty after every meal, keeping them warm with hot water bottles wrapped in towels, emergency glucose in case of hypoglycemia.. none of the kittens had or have diarrhea. we're very careful with preparing the formula. its not too rich or thick. all water used is pre-boiled. what's the problem? i think we kinda know what we're doing. we've done our research..

i have some more bad news. meanie, my little belter, the super strong noisy one that tortured me started fading away this morning. last night he was just peachy. today his tiny body feels cold and clammy. he is barely moving. his meows are soft and weak. i managed to get him to swallow some formula and water with glucose. it was an excruciatingly slow process today. one tiny mouthful at a time. i was hoping he would perk up but he hasn't. i don't know what else to do now. there's a fresh hot water bottle but meanie still feels cold. i have a horrible feeling that he will not get better and then moe will start to fade as well. my heart hurts. these little guys are so helpless. they haven't even opened their eyes yet.

rest in peace sweet baby miney, the grey tabby with the stump tail..
please please please hang in there meanie, my little noisemaker. go ahead, yell at me like you did yesterday!
please please please let eenie and moe continue to thrive with NT and i. we are trying so hard.


i still haven't taken any photos of them.. below are the photos taken by their rescuers on the day they were found.

Eenie, Meanie, Miney, & Moe

No time to recover from the weekend's loss of Smidge, Smudge, and Bob although I must admit I did spend pretty much all of Monday night crying over them. Yesterday I started my latest adventure in fostering with Eenie, Meanie, Miney, & Moe. These four little felines are tiny. Their eyes aren't open yet and a couple of them still have a little dried-up umbilical cord attached. They seem to be in better shape than Smidge and Smudge were when they came to me, but I'm afraid to be too hopeful and optimistic. I'm trying very hard to be objective and care for them without investing too much of my own heart in them. I don't want to end up a miserable sobbing heap of snot and tears again. I haven't even taken any photos of them although they look ADORABLE all curled up together in a pile of warm kitteny cuteness. I don't want to jinx them by immortalizing them in film.. not taking any chances! no matter how silly i may seem.

I'm using two different brands of KMR for this litter because they don't all like the same one. Picky.. They are slowly getting used to syringe feeding although some seem more comfortable with this than others.. Eenie, Meanie, and Miney are all grey tabbies. They look almost exactly the same except for the tiniest distinguishing features. Eenie a.ka. Big Pink has a big pink patch on his/her front left paw. Meanie a.k.a. Small Pink is INSANELY noisy and fussy and has a tiny pink patch on his/her front left paw. Miney only has about half the length of a normal tail. Moe is the only marmalade tabby of the litter, and because of his coloring, I'm pretty sure he's male. I remember reading somewhere that marmalade kitties are usually male. I've decided to change the spelling of Meenie to Meanie because he/she is so mean to me :)

I'm exhausted from the constant feeding, crying, making them "go" number 1 and number 2. Meanie always cries shortly after falling asleep and this wakes up the entire litter again and again..... and again. I have to keep repeating the process of putting them to bed just to get an hour of peace and quiet... argh. My eyes are burning today from lack of sleep. I feel like sheeeeeeet...